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I've always been told "if they can't be bothered neither can I" but now that I'm older I see this as just a cop out. Because I have tried to show I am "bothered" to call write letters make posts just to explain where I'm at so they know I'm safe. but still I am left tying up the bits they shred from me because though I do, it isn't enough for them to be bothered to call write or even let me know they care so then prey tell when can I say they aren't "bothered" enough to talk to me I can't be bothered to give two shits and a flying fuck if they fall off a cliff face! and the best part at least I am an adult now to where I can tell these people "you never wanted me I left quit being a cry baby cuz you got what you wanted and now talk shit that I never cared when if I didn't I would still be there with you!"

Panic hurt and upset oye what a combo of emotions. Why is it when one is just starting out they meet the most obstacles. in one fowl swoop of the courts and cps I am reduced to being labeled nothing more then a psychotic alcoholic and laughed at for my upset by the courts and CPS case worker when I for all intents and purposes shouldn't have been called for the dad booting me to the curb taking my kids then letting his new wife beat my daughter after I have had nothing to do with them for 4 years after breaking up with their father for his abuse I let happen to me. Maybe I do deserve all this since I "let" it happen and we all know how ignorance never absolves one of guilt. though at the time running seemed like my only option to stay alive I guess I know now how truly wrong I was and will never live it down for how can I I had hurt people during my drunken revolt against who and what I am since no one even me could accept me at that time no matter what I did. we reap what we sow but even if you have the best of intentions and all the love in the world you will only sow bullshit so that is all you will ever reap. Words are empty as are emotions I will learn that eventually

Yay spent all weekend in my work room and I am so happy to say that I am now open for clients. I do have a few more herbs to acquire harvest but I got all my dried bundles chopped down and processed so it's ready to use. waters, oils, some Bach flower treatments, and tinctures and we won't even go into how anxious my power stones are at finally being used for healing not practice. Though I am stumped at a vision I had last night concerning my 92 year old land lady that has me worried she said it would all be ok as I felt the ground envelope me and a black cloaked being looking like the grim reaper behind her with a hand on her shoulder then embracing her from behind as if to say she is his now and she has a big smile on her face about it like she is really happy to be claimed by this figure. Hmmmmmm I really hope I don't have to go to a funeral soon but damn she is 92 almost 93 i think

So I'm mad and can't talk about it anywhere but here. My boyfriends boss is a piece of shit! he can send his wife on a cruise pay for her hell spawns apt but he can't get the work truck fixed so my baby has to climb out the door window after he fucked his knee falling off a roof (which he never took him to dr for cuz t would cost him too much and since baby wasn't able to work he didn't have that money either to pay for his company) can't get the rack fixed that will get us kicked out cuz it sqeeks too loud and our neighbors are pissed or the fact it leaks oil and transmission and antifreeze all over everywhere killing off our landladies precious feral cat population (hopfully she hasn't noticed but well we'd know if she did) or give my man a raise he deserves after working there for 10 years and is foreman only making 10 an hour cuz he "can't afford to give him a pay raise" oh but boss dude got himself a new Jeep son 10,000 worth of auto parts for his dead truck that should see a scrape yard (seriously I tried to see it from their side and came up stupid) but there is just no money to fix repair or resupply this companies tools and such to keep it afloat. what a fucking jack off

I'm often awake at 3 to 5 am and you now what I love is going out for my cigar sitting in my chair and no matter how much it hurts to do it I look at the millions of stars and have never been disappointed I did. the shooters the twinklers the winkers puff puff awww makes life good in those "small" moments

COMMENTS

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frozenVheart
21:04 Oct 05 2014

I love those moments.. Doesn't need much to make us feel good for few min..

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Life can get hectic no one knows that better then me and everyone else. But what it is that can make a person justify saying they are having "problems" in their life and they need help yet when someone comes to them and they can help this person they say no I don't want to get caught up in your "drama" why is there any difference in labels? a problem is just that a problem if you see it as drama then who is the one really creating it the person with the problem or the one who see's it as drama hee hee hee this as well as a ton of other questions about myself are ones I HAVE to ask of ME and what better place to put shit about me then here in my personal journal lol off to look at more totems to memorize